The Two Most Powerful Questions In The World
This is a chapter from the book Don’t Ask Stupid Questions: There Are No Stupid Questions by Tim Brownson. Chapter and book cover used with permission of the author. Please read all the way to the end to win YOUR copy of this great book.
Children ask better questions than adults. May I have a cookie? Why is the sky blue? and What does a cow say? are far more likely to elicit a cheerful response than Where’s your manuscript? Why haven’t you called? and Who’s your lawyer?
- Fran Lebowitz
The more life coaching I do the more I come to believe that the quality of our life and those around us is heavily influenced by the quality of our questions, and by that I do not necessarily mean the questions we ask of others but the ones that we ask of ourselves.
I want to tell you about the two questions that I think are the most powerful in the world. I’m absolutely serious about this, if you can bring these questions to mind in moments of crisis I guarantee that you will immediately be better able to deal with the issue at hand.
The first question is to be used when something has not gone as planned. It may be you missed a job opportunity or even lost your own job, it may be something less stressful like losing a game of tennis or not hitting your target weight by the date you set. It can be used in a multitude of different circumstances, and as you play about with it, I’m sure you will choose those that are most advantageous to you.
What Can I Learn From This Situation?
Simple really like most great things, but it does work. If when things do not go to plan you still extract positives and use it as a learning experience, then each subsequent event will improve. The problem many people have is a tendency to dwell on the negative rather than on the positive. Most situations do contain a positive even if it’s very well hidden. When you become a master at extracting it then you will also be a master at improving yourself and dealing with problems in your stride. Haven’t we all had events that seemed catastrophic at the time that turned out to be blessings in disguise? The firing that lead to starting a business, the break up that lead to a more fulfilling relationship or maybe even that illness that lead to taking better care of your health.
What Else Can This Mean?
This is a question I use on a daily basis because I think it is so valuable. Think of this scenario: You have arranged to meet your partner or good friend for dinner and you arrive on time at the restaurant. The other person still hasn’t shown up after 10 minutes and you start to say to yourself “typical, she is always late, she simply has no respect for other people”. Not really very useful is it and not very likely to pave the way for a great night? How about if you asked yourself what else can this mean? Now you have choices. The internal voice could now be saying “she must really care about me because she is obviously taking the time to look her best” or “It really wasn’t very thoughtful of me to pick a restaurant that is so dogged by bad traffic I’d better make a real effort to make up with a great night” Both of these are guaranteed to prevent any arguments and make sure you keep things in perspective.
Think and reflect for a moment on the last time that you had an argument with a loved one. Try and briefly regain those feelings by seeing what you saw, hearing what you heard and feeling what you felt. Now recreate the internal dialogue that was going on inside your head.
What are you saying to yourself? Are you asking questions that are helpful or are you asking questions that are likely to exacerbate the situation and lead to an argument? At times like this we often disappear inside and look for evidence to support our opinion that we are perfectly justified in feeling like we do. Well, we have another alternative, and that is to ask, “What else can this mean?” and to put a hugely positive spin on the situation by changing our state and our outlook.
Question: What kind of questions do you ask yourself? Are they serving you well?
To win a copy of Don’t Ask Stupid Questions: There Are No Stupid Questions, just answer the following questions by leaving a comment or creating your own post that shows up in the comments section:
What is the best question you ask yourself, and what does the question mean to you.
The winner will be decided by a random drawing of all entries at 5 PM central on Friday April 18th, 2008 and announced on April 21st, 2008. Please put a valid e-mail address so I can contact you if you win. It will not be shown to the public, but I need it to get you a copy of the book. All decisions are final.
Image courtesy of the author, Tim Brownson
31 opinions for The Two Most Powerful Questions In The World
David Zinger
Apr 2, 2008 at 5:22 am
As 1/2 the Slacker I disqualify myself for the book.
I loved Neil Postman’s line: Children enter school as question marks and leave as periods. What a terrible diservice to lifelong learning. Thank you for re-installing the question mark.
Question marks look a bit like an upside down hook and I get hooked by good questions.
My favorite question: What now?
Yvonne Russell
Apr 2, 2008 at 6:34 am
How can I/we do this a better way?
It keeps me thinking laterally.
Ross
Apr 2, 2008 at 7:04 am
When I get frustrated with someone I try to ask this question: What does this situation look like from their perspective?
It makes me stop and think about what the other person could be thinking for feeling. It will often change my response to them.
Mike DeWitt
Apr 2, 2008 at 7:21 am
Hi Phil,
Mine is a two-parter: “Who am I, and what am I doing here?” It’s easy to get caught up in the moment and forget that I have a higher purpose. This question provides a good sanity check in any situation.
Mike
Lisa Taylor
Apr 2, 2008 at 7:27 am
How would I feel if I were in that situation?
It makes me think twice about what may be going through another person’s mind. It also makes me think twice about how I present a question to that person.
Michael Haberman, SPHR
Apr 2, 2008 at 7:56 am
My two questions:
“Gee I wonder how fast this fuse will burn?”
and
Nevermind…
Seriously,
What can I learn from this?
and
Is it worth knowing?
Makes me look at each situation as a learning opportunity.
Izabella Tabarovsky
Apr 2, 2008 at 8:46 am
Are other coaches disqualified from the competition? Feels like we should be, because we ask questions for a living. That puts us at an unfair disadavantage, doesn’t it… :)
This is a great post. I believe that there truly is a shortage of great questioning skills in the world. To ask somebody really deep, meaningful questions (and to really listen, deeply and with an open attitude, to the answers) is an amazing and rare gift we can give another person.
One of my favorite questions is, What is he/she really saying? We only communicate part of what we’re trying to say with words. The deeper things are often left unsaid. Especially in emotionally-charged conversations, pausing to ask myself this question helps me cut through my own superficial interpretations and automatic, knee-jerk reactions. It takes me right to my intuition and a deeper level of listening. It helps me understand what emotion might be behind the words and where the source of miscommunication might lie. And this, in turn, creates a new level of connection and understanding - and a path to a solution.
Jennifer
Apr 2, 2008 at 12:47 pm
My quesiton is similar to Mike’s.
“How can I use this situation to glorify God?” You just have to look outside yourself and see the big picture. This question gives purpose to my life and changes everything.
C.Thomason
Apr 2, 2008 at 1:33 pm
When at my best while in a moment of crisis, I wish that I would more often ask, “What’s the worst that can happen?” Very often, it’s not as bad as it could be.
I do like the two in this book, and will use them - that is if I can remember when the world is crashing around me.
Thank you
and I really, really hope that I win the book.
Tim Brownson
Apr 2, 2008 at 2:16 pm
Can the author enter Phil? ;-)
Some great questions there and I’d just like to add this, if I can. I have just written an e-book on beliefs and values and I include all the forms I use with clients so people can coach themselves. If anybody here would like a free copy (it’s currently up for sale at $9.99) e-mail me mentioning Slacker Manager and I’ll send it to you free of charge as a thanks for taking the time to respond.
tim@adaringadventure.com
Mike King
Apr 2, 2008 at 10:15 pm
Great trigger for discussions as usual. My question that I find most valuable is:
How can I respond in a way that’s useful to others?
That question is useful to me to ensure I consider ways to steer my own actions based on how I impact others or in how my actions can be useful to them. One of my greatest passions and desires is to do what I can for others in as many circumstances as possible so this question continually helps me act according to my passion!
Julie Poland
Apr 3, 2008 at 2:18 am
I ask myself, “How can I apply this information?” I admit to being an information junkie, but I also know that it’s not particularly beneficial to stash a whole bunch of good stuff in my brain and never use it. Applied knowledge, not knowledge itself, is power.
Martin Rosen
Apr 3, 2008 at 7:06 am
So many great questions here. Maybe I should ask…Will I remember all the important questions to ask myself?
Another one that I like…”How can I best act in this situation to improve the world in some small way?”
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Apr 3, 2008 at 9:17 am
[…] The Two Most Powerful Questions In The World […]
Stephen Hopson
Apr 4, 2008 at 8:34 am
What is the divine meaning behind this, a lesson or a reminder?
Remarkablogger
Apr 4, 2008 at 8:35 am
I like the question of what can we can learn from this, because there are lessons in everything.
My most important question is this: Why am I really doing this/feeling this way/thinking this?
I find that the more I can get at the core underlying psychological and emotional factors that drive me, the more I can grow beyond my conditioning to improve myself.
Joan Schramm
Apr 4, 2008 at 9:43 am
This is pretty powerful stuff.
I could see myself very clearly in the “friend running late” example…almost nothing makes me madder than people who can’t seem to get where they’re going on time. I know my inner (and sometimes outer) dialogue has ruined a number of occasions for me and for the other people involved.
I’m going to keep these questions in mind and apply them to myself, whenever I start to hear that negative voice in my head.
And to add to the questions list, one thing I do try to ask myself is, what would I give up to not be in this situation? Would I give up money? Health? Possessions? Sanity? Usually, the answer is that, I would give up nothing — and suddenly the situation doesn’t seem so extreme.
Thanks for another thought-provoking post, Phil.
Nicole
Apr 4, 2008 at 1:16 pm
I love the questions! I always ask myself:
Based on the circumstances in this instant what is the outcome I desire?
Is what I am about to say/or how I am about to react get me closer to my desired outcome or take me further away?
Many times we react on emotion without thinking logically through what will get us what we want. It may be convenient to tear down the person for being late because we are annoyed, but you showed up to have a nice time right? So what reaction gets you closer to a nice evening?
Buddy
Apr 4, 2008 at 3:11 pm
The book Quiet Leadership really challenged my thoughts on leading and has helped me become a more effective leader by asking “thinking questions” instead of giving people solutions.
Asking someone a question to help them clarify and more clearly think about the situation often lets them find their own “Ahh, hah” and then they are much more committed to the solution.
DanGTD
Apr 5, 2008 at 6:43 am
I like the “Why is the grass green?” question.
Todd Klingbiel
Apr 5, 2008 at 7:47 am
One question to ask, is Am I doing what is most important to me at this time?
This can be spending time with family, work or needed sleep. It helps get your priorities back in line.
todd
Rocky
Apr 5, 2008 at 10:22 am
This is a great topic. I really like using the power of questions.The best policy I have found is to use the ask don’t tell method. Phil does a great job bringing this point out. This technique is not only good to use in coaching sessions, but it is good to use in coaching ourselves.
Dan
Apr 7, 2008 at 6:34 am
Being a technical manager, my favorite question is: “What if…we turned it backwards…upside down…inside out?” This is a design problem solving technique taught to me by my father a long time ago. Turns out it’s not only an amazingly effective technique for solving technical/design issues by getting your mind out of the box…it’s also a very useful technique for understanding human relations. After all, isn’t it about the same as asking what the other person is thinking/feeling/saying when our normal perspective is what’s in it for us?
Murph
Apr 7, 2008 at 10:22 am
Great post!
I usually ask myself “are you present? What will your next thought be?” That usually grounds me and makes me more aware of what is going on and how best to respond.
Thanks!
Alison
Apr 8, 2008 at 3:04 am
I ask myself “What is this really about?” Very often the answer I arrive at is a very different reality to the actual situation I am dealing with. I find this helps me to grow personally and to widen my horizon on many different planes.
Karl
Apr 10, 2008 at 4:22 pm
The best question I ask myself is: If today is the last day of my life, what is the best I make of this moment, this conversation, this “problem,” this request, this whatever? The question reminds me that moment to moment there are not guarantees, this day may well be my last, and I want it then to the best that it can be — whatever the circumstance. A life lived in that manner — day by day — is fulfilling no matter how long it lasts.
Jo
Apr 14, 2008 at 3:02 am
I am going to give you a challenge that I don’t know the answer to. What question would you suggest to people in Zimbabwe right now?
So I don’t get spam-trapped, if you google Sokwanele and go to their blog, you can see recent reports and comments. What is the right question to be asking if you are caught up in that?
ashok baktha
Apr 16, 2008 at 6:51 pm
What am I accomplishing effortlessly and that is of value?
Every time I ask this question and am able to come up with something insightful, I update my StopDoingList and StartDoingList.
When I do the above, I increase my likelihood of being “in flow”. And my life is better off than yesterday. What else can I hope for?
Phil Gerbyshak
Apr 24, 2008 at 7:45 pm
Thanks to EVERYONE for playing! The winner will be announced tomorrow morning!
Great Management Question Contest Winner: Julie Poland
Apr 25, 2008 at 3:39 am
[…] were a ton of other great questions asked in the comments section of our contest post. Thank you to EVERYONE who participated. Here’s a […]
Don’t Judge Others, Be Helpful Instead! | Learn This
May 21, 2008 at 4:33 am
[…] David Zinger had a great article on Slacker Manager getting questions from his readers about the most powerful questions you can ask . My comment was to ask, "How can I respond in a way that’s useful to others?". Use […]
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