Slacker Manager

9 Success Tips For Your First Day as a New Manager

by David Zinger on March 17th, 2008

Don’t go into work with a frog in your throat rather get yourself ready to leap into management with these surefire success tips that are guaranteed to have you leapfrogging over others into the upper echelons of leadership in no time.

Here are your 9 success tips for the first day of being a new manager:

1. Clip your nose hairs because you will frequently want to rove around the office, point to your nose, and say, “something stinks around here.” This is a great way to recognize and appreciate your staff.
2. If you normally wear glasses, don’t. You will want employees to see the whites of your eyes and you don’t want to be able to see all the work that is ahead of you.
3. Wear two different color socks or stockings and see if your staff have the gumption to comment on this to you. If they don’t you know you can probably pull the wool over their eyes during re-organization, re-engineering or re-ally bad management decisions.
4. Buy some day old donuts for your staff and tell them if they increase productivity by 50% over the next quarter there will be a fresh jam buster for every staff member.
5. Take your most junior staff member aside, ask them how much they make and cut their wages by 15% so that on an hourly basis you will be paid at least more than one person in your office.
6. In the afternoon wear a baseball cap with the word COACH on it. Let your staff know that you offer coaching because after all you have the hat even if you have no training and most of your coaching consists of imploring your staff to “win one for the Gipper!”
7. If anyone asks a specific question about work, tell them you are going to have to run the numbers on that one, go into your office, close the door, and poke someone on Facebook. Chances are the person will forget what they asked you and your staff will marvel at your financial acumen.
8. Stay later than anyone else and before you leave the office rummage through everyone’s garbage bin to see if they have been passing notes around about you. If they have, block them as friends on your Facebook account. By the way, you have arrived and it is now time to move from Facebook to LinkedIn - congrats! Sure LinkedIn might look more boring than Facebook but you need to watch who you hang out with and your social network let’s others know you have arrived.
9. When you get home after your first night, take a big swig of V8 juice, pat yourself on the back for a job well done, and dream of the day the CEO plants a kiss on you transforming you from a mere manager to a prince of a leader who will be married to the organization and live, with all your warts, happily ever after. 

Photo Credit: warty swamp frog by http://flickr.com/photos/dcysurfer/2249460000/

David Zinger

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